Trying to improve myself…

August 2, 2007 at 4:36 pm (life, weight)

When I first started working in my organization, I weighed about 140 lbs.  Women did not like me.  Back then, I was a big flirt because…well, because I could be.  I was small, and although I’m not drop dead gorgeous, I’m not fugly, either.  I loved wearing skirts and heels, and always had my nails done…you know, the whole fufu scene.

My female associates were not too friendly, even though I always made it a point to smile and say hi.  I tried to start conversations, and they just wouldn’t have any of it.  Honestly, I got along great with the guys, and I felt a lot more comfortable with them.  This did not help me make many chick friends.

By and by, I starting gaining weight.  It started when I gave up smoking, you know, in an effort to be healthier.  Ha…what a joke.  I noticed how people changed in the way they acted towards me.  The guys were not as flattering, or as flirty, which I expected.  But what surprised me is that the bigger I got, the friendlier the women became!

Some of them would actually speak to me first, without waiting for me to initiate a conversation.  The women have told me how funny, nice, and sensitive I am.  Well, I’ve always been that way, I think to myself.  They never saw how insecure I was, and how I always find fault within myself even when I was thinner.  It ranges from my nose is too big, my hair is too course, my clothes are well-worn, I’m not smart, and the list goes on and on! 

But when I was thin, no one ever saw that side of me (the good side).  Now that I weigh 200 lbs. women seem to like me more, and are willing to get to know me.  What’s sad is that I have acted the same way.  When I see young lady that is fit, and cute, and all eyes are on her, something just  happens in my heart.  I automatically feel jealous, and that quickly transforms into dislike for the person. 

Why does the human phyche work this way?  I am trying not to let those ugly feelings stop me from talking to people, stop me from getting to know people, but it is hard.  I hate being that petty, trifling kind of person. 

I know that one of the first steps I can take is to take control of my body, and just start moving.  Just doing something will make me feel better inside.  I will feel like I’m accomplishing something, and not just letting the fatness grow on me, literally.  I will feel better about myself because I know that I’m taking action.  Once I get moving, then I can work on my food intake.  I don’t eat constantly throughout the day.  I’m more of a hardly-eat-anything-during-the-day person. I then eat a big meal for dinner and it’s usually high in fat. 

I used to feel great when I worked out in the past.  I have followed the Body for Life program a number of times.  I have never completed the entire 12 weeks, but came close.  Honestly, I never saw a big decrease in weight, but my clothes were loser, and my measurements got smaller.  But more importantly, I FELT GOOD INSIDE!!

I felt stronger, too.  I want to get that feeling back.  I am going to start MOVING!!!  Take control of my life and my body, and take action to make it better!!!  To make ME better…on the inside, in my mind.  I’m tired of being this pathetic person that always feels sorry for herself because she wears a size 18!  Tired of looking at myself in the mirror every morning, and make faces at my own reflection because I hate what I see.  I’m tired of having sore feet, and struggling to get in and out of my car, or my bed!  I’m tired of being that person. 

It’s time for me to change!  I will change!