Why do I do this to myself?

July 19, 2007 at 4:43 pm (Uncategorized)

Mr. Man left me a VM today.  All he said was, “Hey, GR8…call me.  You have my number.”

I have not called him.  He didn’t sound like it was anything urgent.  I think he’s trying to tempt me…trying to get me to give in.  Things at home right now are not as stessfull as they normally are.  I don’t know what to make of it…

I mean  Hombre is still drinking every night.  Last night he went down the street to his buddies house, and stayed there until about 1 a.m.  Came home and passed out.  I just didn’t bother with him.  I guess I’m getting to that point where I just don’t care…or more like I’m tired of always caring and worrying.  Why do I do that to myself?  Why do I allow myself to sit up late into the night waiting for him to come home? 

Why, why, do I do that?  It’s not like I can say anything to him, because he’s usually too drunk to remember anything I say.  Or worse, he can’t follow the conversation, which then really pisses me off.  So I end up screaming at him, like this will help him better understand.  All that does is piss him off, and he starts yelling back.  So I don’t bother, now.

My dad always used to tell me, “Never argue with a drunk.  It’s a waste of time.”  It sounds better in spanish, though…funnier.  I should have just listened to his advice.  Thinking back, it’s like my entire life has been filled with this stress, this apprehension.  You know…not wanting to piss off the drunk guy, or just trying to avoid him.  You see, my father started drinking (again) after my mother passed away.  I was 10 years old.  He kept drinking like that for about 5 years.  There were times when he didn’t come home for a day or two.  When he would finally show up, he was broke.  Then he was finally forced into rehab by his employer.  You see, my father never missed a day of work in his life.  Oh, he would show up still a little intoxicated, and smelling like a brewery, but he made it to work on time everyday.  So to him, he didn’t have a problem, until his job finally stepped in.  Hombre thinks that way, too.

So there was a period of about three years that I didn’t have to worry about alchoholism.  Then I met, Hombre.  He was only 15 when I got pregnant.  I had just turned 17.  I know, I know…that’s gross, and I’m really embarrassed about that now that I’m really a grown-up.

Anyways, he moved into our house after the LilMama was born.  Soon after that, being out of his parents home, and no desire to sit in a house all day with his bitchy girlfriend and crying baby, he started hanging out with his friends smoking and drinking.  That’s when it all started, and that feeling of stress and apprehension has been with me since.

This is the path I chose, and I’m trying to make the best of it.  Sharing my time with Mr. Man all those years ago was something I needed to help me through this bullshit with Hombre.  Mr. Man and I never discussed being together on a permanent basis.  We were just an escape for each other when our “real” lives became too much to handle.  It was convenient, and it was wonderful.

But after a few years of this, of course, I began to want more.  I didn’t want to be his dirty little secret, and I found myself getting jealous of the things he would do when he wasn’t with me.  In essence, I felt like he was cheating on me with his wife.  So he started to keep things from me…I mean he just didn’t share much of anything about about his life. Needless to say, that really started pissing me off. 

Somewhere during that time, something happened or something was said between Hombre and I, and I realized how selfish I was being.  Maybe things are not getting better between us because I was too preoccupied with what was going on with Mr. Man.  Maybe I needed to give Hombre my full attention, and he would stop drinking.  I had to give him a fair chance…give us a fair chance.

So I put an end to Mr. Man.  It was so hard at first, and I would end up giving in to him after a couple of months.  Then I would cut myself off from him.  Then another few months would pass, and I would cave again.  I think it took me almost a year to finally give him up completely.  It’s now been about four or five years since we have been together…something like that.  Shit, I can’t remember anymore.  It’s been a long ass time, that’s all I know.

So have things gotten better with Hombre?  NO!!  Maybe because I was so busy thinking about Mr. Man, I didn’t realize how much Hombre was drinking.  Maybe being with Mr. Man and enjoying his company put me in such a good mood that nothing Hombre did bothered me.  Could this be?

Either way, I’m not ready to go back to that other relationship.  After all this time, I’m afraid that I have idealized what Mr. Man and I had.  Was is really all that?  I can’t tell anymore.  I like the idea of being with him, and the memories of the things we did together are…well, you know. **wink,wink**

But if I’m brutally honest with myself, I know that we could never make it in the real world.  We are too different, from different ethnicities (me, mex-amer; he, african-american).  No matter how well we get on with each other, I think our families would have issues, especially mine.

But no use in spending time thinking about that, right?  Because I have to think about Hombre and the kids, the family.  That is what I’m supposed to do, right?  My sister always told me that it’s the woman’s role to keep the family together, to keep it strong.  I hated that she put that responsibility on me when I was a new mom and going through bullshit with Hombre.  That responsibility should belong to both of us, right?

I don’t know anything…and I’m tired of trying to figure this out.  I just know that my kids and grand daughter give me the most joy.  They are my lifesavers.

So no Mr. Man for me!